First story:
Not long ago, my wife and I
were visiting some relatives who were staying at a Jerusalem hotel. In the
lobby, my wife chanced upon another hotel guest from the US that she knew. As
to be expected, the conversation veered toward the subject of our children and
it was mentioned that we have a son in the US in shidduchim. They then discussed the American “system”
including the style of resumes and the woman told my wife, “Now they are telling
us not to put any extensive information on the resumes. Just some very basic
facts. The shorter the better.”
I was only a casual
eavesdropper in this conversation, but when I heard that statement my eaves
formally dropped out. Who are the omniscient
“they”? Is there some central “shidduch
rules” Bureau of Standards? Who decides things like this? Most importantly, in
what way and for whom is such a standard helpful?
Second story:
In response to my previous post, I received an email from a close friend. He wrote: “My objective in
seeing a resume for a girl is to recognize association and thus family make up
and if there is any direction on finding out honest info.”
I took this to mean that he
does not look at a resume as a substantial composite of information but rather
as a launching pad to accruing more (honest) information. As such it doesn’t
bother him if a resume is somewhat “skimpy”. But, at the very least, he does want to see two
things: “association” and “family makeup”.
I responded to him that he could
not have been more helpful in allowing me to make my point. To some extent we
have different goals (or, at least, different emphases). In contrast to him, I
look at a resume to see if there is a chance that this girl is suitable for my
son. For this, I may require a more extended profile than he does. Also, I may
read more into certain nuances and subliminal messages.
Who is right, my friend or
I?
This is a silly question. He
is a buyer for his sons and I am a buyer for mine. We are both “customers” of
the sellers. Often enough, of the same sellers. And the customer is
always right. Every customer. So it definitely pays for a seller to
please as many buyers as possible. If one wants to catch more types of fish, it is recommended to use
different types of bait.
Now, let’s check out the seller. What is the seller’s objective
in writing a resume (or a product description)?
The answer is: to get the product sold, or – to get the job!
And how does one do this?
By informing the buyer that you (your product) are what he is
looking for; that you are a suitable candidate for the job.
But that’s not all.
You also need to give the buyer or employer the impression that not
only are you a suitable candidate for the job, but that you are the best
candidate for the job.
Your resume has to beat out everyone else’s.
Now, hundreds of overly complacent girls present shoddy resumes
on the assumption that the proposed suitor will inquire by the agent (shadchan)
on more detailed information and will get the full sales pitch on what a
metziah she really is. Furthermore, they assume they have a sterling set of
references that each will sing their praises. And, as far as my friend is
concerned, if the resume presents adequate “association” and “family makeup”,
he will dig further.
But, I most probably will not. This is partially due to what I
wrote two posts ago that our unique situation of being located overseas makes
fact-finding a very tedious chore. And we will not do it unless we already
think that this prospect is not only a suitable candidate, but one of the best
candidates out of all of the current applicants. When a shadchan emails us a
resume with a cover note saying: “If you need to know anything else, just
ask.”, the resume better look interesting or we are not going to just ask. If
the resume flunks, the shadchan, unless they are very aggressive and follow up
on us, will probably not get the chance to give us the full mi-shebeirach.
Likewise, the references could be the Gadolei haDor, but if the top half of the
resume is not up to snuff, we will never reach the bottom half where the
references are lurking. Just like a job resume, an employer will not call your
references if he doesn’t already think you qualify for the post.
I guess that in America, you need a good shadchan to get the
resume through the door. By me, you need a good resume to get the shadchan (or
the references) through the door.
I am writing this blog post to let American readers know: Don’t
think that just because our circumstances force us to be very fussy on resumes
that we are the only ones; and don’t think that this does not apply to the
typical American “buyer”. I am certain that there are plenty of American based
families that likewise see the resume as the first line of offense.
In my close friend’s email, after that one sentence that I
quoted above, he added a second sentence that I did not fully understand: “If you start doing what your suggesting
they will all sound the same anyway.”
He may not have understood what I am suggesting. I am suggesting that every
girl’s resume (and boy’s for that matter) should be as extensive and detailed
as it can be. One of the main reasons is that the more detailed it is, the more
it paints a precise composite picture and, consequently, the more it makes the subject
unique.
In my book, the way you get your resume through the door is by
making it look different than anybody else’s. To give an example, in my
children’s resumes, I include hair color and eye color. I haven’t seen anybody
else do it. Why do I?
One reason is precisely because nobody else does it. It shows that
whoever wrote this resume is not just another cow in the herd. This is the one
with the brown hair and the green eyes. Also, this is one who is thoughtful
enough to provide this information. It makes a psychological impression.
In addition, it actually helps give the reader a bit of a mental
image of the physical person (in lieu of photographs which are not encouraged
in our circles). And since this image is only imaginary, the incomplete part of
the image is usually in line with the how the buyer wants the prospect to look
(as opposed to what kind of Frankenstein they really look like). So now your
resume presents a partial physical image while the next person’s resume does
not. Which one has the upper hand?
One more thing. In this game, time is of the essence. This means
that today your resume may be some bochur’s king of the pile. But tomorrow, a
new one may show up in the email that will upstage yours. Thus, the quicker and
easier that you make it for a buyer to determine that you are numero uno, the
less likely for a last minute upset.
My original plan for this post was to be very specific and to go
into detail about what to include in a resume line item for line item. But, as
usual, my post is already overflowing so it will have to wait for the next
installment. I think it will be valuable advice.
So for now, let’s review some of the reasons why it is an
advantage to have a very informative resume:
· It makes you unique and helps you stand out from the others
· It gives the impression of a deeper, more sophisticated
person. A shallow resume indicates a shallow person
·
It sends the subliminal message that you want the buyer to
know about you
·
It saves the buyer time from having to hunt for the information
he wants and lowers the chances of another resume upstaging yours in the
interim
· It is, plain and simple, a display of courtesy and
thoughtfulness (which reflects on you).
Recall what I wrote in the previous post: a girl does
not necessarily have a barshert. There must be a concerted hishtadlus
commensurate to the demands of the circumstances. You will only beat the
competition if you compete. And these advantages will give you a competitive
edge in this competitive world.
Hence, we can add one more entry on the above list of advantages
for an informative resume:
· It sends the subliminal message that you are truly competing
for the job and you really want to get married.
And this will distinguish the kallahs from the girls.
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